A friend called and asked if I was ready for the next Great Depression. "I'm a playwright," I answered, "I've been living in one my whole life." I once read an article on the average salaries of different career paths. Mine was listed right underneath VCR Repairmen. Playwrights exist so that poets have someone to feel financially superior to.

 

Since many of you will soon be entering unfamiliar territory, here are a few survival tips to help you from letting a Depression get you down.

Shoes

Rental policies at bowling alleys are a gray area that can work to your advantage.

Gym Membership

Combine fitness and employment. Jogging while wearing a sandwich board burns twice as many calories.



Simplify

Ask yourself if you really need something before buying. Are 1500 calories a day rule or a guideline? Why am I really wearing shoes? Am I trying to impress the neighbors again?



Insurance

Wear a dog tag that informs your health care provider to euthanize you for anything worse than a broken leg.



Food

Play pac man online (at the library, of course) and use your imagination. No, Inky, if I have another power pellet, I'll simply burst.



Christmas

Let kids know they can have any toy they can make. Santa covers materials and overhead.



Ecology

A refrigerator box studio apartment is recycling at its best.



Wedding Bands

I have two words for the newly impoverished man about to pop the question. No, not cubic zirconia: grave robbing.



Retirement Fund

Have you considered living hard and dying young?